Neo

I'm returning to the blogosphere with a Honduras update. I really thought my previous post would be the last- I do not usually revisit things like blogs after finding closure in them; I like clean endings. But alas, life is often messy and things rarely end neatly or where we think they're going to end. So here I am again.

A few months ago, I posted about my missionary neighbors. The situation with them provided me with the most heart-wrenching challenge that I faced while in Honduras. On a weekly basis, I listened to them beat their 5-year-old son, Neo, while blasting Christian music over his cries. I reported their behavior to the school administrators, who looked on. I can't express the weight that comes from listening to a child suffer like that- that experience changed my life forever.

I'm returning to this blog because several people had expressed interest in this particular family, and a couple of days ago I received some news from Honduras. Last week, Neo died. He contracted dengue, which is a highly treatable and common illness that is carried through mosquitoes. Neo's parents don't believe in medicine- his mother told the girls and me once that she believes that people get sick because they don't "walk in the fullness of the Lord" and that God decides who should live and who should die. In her opinion, medicine interferes with God's decisions.

So, Neo became very sick. According to our neighbors up in Villa Verde, his parents knew he had dengue and knew he could die without treatment, but they continued to refuse to give him medicine. He ended up having a very painful death because he was too sick to sleep or find any sort of peace in his illness. His parents' abuse and neglect eventually killed him.

When I found out about what happened to Neo, I felt overwhelmed with emotions. I have never before known a child that died at the hands of his parents. I listened to them abuse him for a year, I listened to his parents express their radical views on discipline and medicine, and I watched the school administration look the other way when I asked them to intervene. I even brought the problem to the school superintendents, who treated me like a spoiled, naive American girl. But I knew these parents were dangerous, and the worst possible outcome came to fruition- their child died. In the United States, both parents would be in prison. In Honduras, everyone gossips about it and then gets on with their lives.

After having spent the summer in the USA, I can say that I am so relieved I'm not going back there. I'm so relieved I'm not going back to work for a school that looks the other way when they hear about child abuse. But I also feel desperately sad for the people and the children who are stuck in Honduras and can't leave. I feel so helpless to know that other children, children that I know and love, could be in situations similar to Neo's. As much as I wanted it to be, Honduras wasn't poetic, and beyond the landscaping, it wasn't beautiful either. Honduras was raw and difficult and impoverished and undereducated and without infrastructure, and what I'm left with now is grief, vacancy, and guilt.

So that's my update. Thank you for reading this post. The whole situation is still pretty unprocessed for me so I have a lot of unresolved emotions, but I wanted to tell Neo's story because it speaks to the story of so many Honduran children- and because he will never be able to tell it himself.

*Photo by Jacki Warren

Seasons, chapters, paths, the children

For everything there is a season. Today I ended one of the most important chapters of my life when I said goodbye to my students for the last time. I am not going to write details about what happened today. It is too close to my heart, and writing the details will only turn the raw emotions into inadequate words that could never truly convey how I felt, or feel now. I will simply say that it was one of the hardest days of my life and it left me absolutely drained.

I want to write more about the end of this experience, but the truth is, I don't know what to write right now. I'm too deeply in it to be able to properly reflect. I am too emotional, too exhausted. I don't know how I've changed or what my future holds for me. I don't remember the person I was before I came to Honduras, and I don't know how to explain this experience to anyone who wasn't here, doing it with me. It feels impossible to explain because it was a world of paradox that, on the surface, probably makes no sense. It felt both impossibly difficult and overwhelmingly rewarding. It was beautiful and ugly. It was a learning experience and a teaching experience. It was joyful and painful. It was confusing and painfully simple.

Six years ago, on the morning I was supposed to leave to go to college for the first time, my alarm went off and I hid under the covers of my bed because I dreaded leaving home so much. My dad came into my room and sat on my bed and told me it would be okay. He talked to me about the many lives we lead within the scope of our lifetimes. Doors open and close, experiences begin and end, and we forge our paths to take us somewhere meaningful. Nothing is forever, and goodbyes and salutations are integral parts of life. Change is hard, but extremely necessary.

It has been a beautiful year. In the end, for me, it was all about the children. As trite and cliche as this will sound, they did far more for me than I did for them. I don't know exactly where I'm headed next, but I do know that I will forever carry those children with me in my heart.

I have three more nights here on my mountain, and then I'm headed home on Monday to start the next chapter of my life. A year in Honduras... I did it.

The strangest year of my life

This has been, without any shadow of a doubt, the strangest year of my life. In fact, I can't believe that it has been a whole year. I remember when I first arrived in Honduras, everything was strange and new. I would constantly, for example, try to guess what time it was...I was usually about an hour or two late in my guesses. Honduras moves so slowly! The pace of life here is just incredibly slow. But, I adjusted to it. I quickly learned that there are very few forms of entertainment on the top of a mountain, and, with my friends, figured out ways to entertain myself. We talked endlessly, sang a lot, danced, had fires, chopped down Christmas trees, made our own Thanksgiving dinner (onion rings and corn dogs!), listened to lots of music. We struggled with the food, we struggled with the language, we struggled with the school administration, but we got through all of it and now here we are, with less than a week left to go.

It has been one of the strangest years of my life because all of my days blend together. Other than slight changes in weather and seasonal bugs (and now mice), it's very difficult for me to differentiate the days in my mind. It's like a big blur. Everything is so slow here! Things slowly happened, one thing after another. The days turned into weeks and the weeks into months. Honduras was a time warp. It was also very me-centric. My life here consisted of me, my friends/co-workers, and my students, and everything else fell way outside of that. I have kept in touch with my family and closest friends, but pretty much lost touch with everyone else. It's like I have Honduras-blinders on or something. I kind of forgot that there's a big world out there, that hasn't stopped moving while I've been here in the mountains. In all honesty, I'm nervous to rejoin the world.

I can say that I'm fully satisfied with the way I have lived my life here. I truly appreciated every day that I spent in the mountains. I basked in the sunlight, I spent ample time staring at the night sky, I noticed the clouds and the flowers and of course, the magnificent mountains. I spent many, many days at the river. I sunbathed, swam, played in the waterfalls. I have made wonderful, life-changing friends here. I spent time with my neighbors. I learned how to make baleadas. I learned how to teach second grade. I learned Spanish. I learned exactly how much I don't know. I learned how to ask the questions that might help me seek some sort of greater truth. I spent so much time with my students. Teaching them, playing with them, observing them, hugging them. I love them.

I have never known love quite like this before, either. It's not like family love or friend love, it's really unique. I love these children so much, but they aren't mine! I am just their second grade teacher...I don't know how much they will even remember me. I wish I could stay with them forever. I want the very best for them. When they misbehave, I love them even more. I want to help them in every way that I possibly can. I'm probably going to end up dedicating my professional career to them by studying immigration law. I just adore them.

This is hard. I'm teaching for the last time. I want to enjoy it and maximize my time while also remaining reflective and soaking in every moment here. I want to psych myself up, but not so much that I'm devastated on Friday. I also recognize that I have been pretty down on Honduras for a while now. I feel that it's time to go, I just don't know how to leave. I don't know how to say goodbye to my life here. My life here is so comfortable that the idea of leaving feels...overwhelming. But in my heart, I know that the only thing worse than leaving would be staying. I know I can't stay....I guess I just also wish I didn't have to say goodbye.

Running on empty

The last time I remember feeling this exhausted was at the beginning of this school year. I remember that I would come home from school and just collapse on my bed. Every day wore me out. The type of exhaustion I feel now is just as overwhelming, but in a different way. Now, I feel absolutely empty. I feel like I have given everything I have to give this year.

Physically, I can feel that my body is angry at me. The diet here is so oil-heavy, so starch-heavy. I don't feel healthy. I'm also very tired all the time, always ready to go to sleep. I just don't feel good.

Mentally, I'm frustrated. There is no intellectual stimulation here for me. None. I read as much as I can, and I look at the news websites, but in the US I was always surrounded by news and articles and discussions of politics and current events. I have always craved intellectual stimulation, and there is just none of it here. The national newspaper in Honduras, "La Prensa," is an absolute disaster of a newspaper. No one seems to know anything about current events or politics. I miss spending time with an informed public, and my mind is bored.

Emotionally... I'm already spent, and I know I have an emotional goodbye to prepare myself for. The emotional element of this year has been...tumultuous. It's hard to live in an impoverished country and fall in love with a group of great children who have grown up there. Their lives include so many hardships that no children should have to face, and helping them navigate through those problems for a year has been a very challenging (albeit very rewarding) experience. I know that saying goodbye to the children and leaving the place I have called home for the past year is going to be extremely difficult. I don't feel like I have the energy for it.

Today we went to town (like we do every Wednesday), and I just felt like I couldn't do it. I couldn't go to the bank, I couldn't walk through the dark aisles of the store to buy groceries (it didn't help that the electricity across town had gone out), I couldn't go to the market, I couldn't even walk to my student's house to make dinner with his family. Of course I did do all of those things, but I just felt like I was dragging my body to do them.

I want to stay positive for the last week and a half, but it's so hard. I'm aware of my dual and competing emotions of both being sad to leave and anxious to leave, and I'm not entirely sure of how to deal with that. It's just a really weird time.

Second Grade Photo Session

I have a wonderful friend here, Jacki, who has kept me sane during the past ten months. In addition to being a great friend, Jacki takes beautiful photographs! (If you need a wedding photographer, contact me and I'll give you her number.) Anyway, I asked her to come by my classroom one day and just take some pictures of my students, and these were a couple of the photos she took. They look like they're from a magazine, I swear.

My students are so beautiful.

Ada:

Adelso:

Jesariel:

Jeison:

Sofia:

Carlos:

Abi:

Bryan:

All of us:


So much love in second grade:

Rainy season and La Union

I'll start off with a few ear bug pictures, taken in my kitchen:






I have heard that the ear bugs only mark the beginning of the rainy season and that they're just about over, so I'll just hope that's true. We haven't had them for two nights now, so maybe their time is done. But that's what's happening here: the rainy season has started with a vengeance. The rain has always made me feel really spiritual. I just love the rain. However, my love for the rain dwindles when it pours nonstop and I have to walk to and from school in it, and when my roof leaks, and when my clothes and towels don't dry because the air is wet. I live in a cloud forest!! However, even though the rain makes living here a little bit more difficult, it's still pretty amazing to me. I have never seen rain like this before; it just pours all day and all night. The seasons changed from sunny and hot every day to chilly and wet. It's strange that it's summer back home, because it feels like the months approaching winter here.

We've come in a full circle; we arrived during rainy season and we're leaving during rainy season. Having the rain here again makes me remember the fall. I spent so much time in the girls' house; I was there today, napping on the bed I used to sleep on, and I remembered the fall, and what a beautiful time that was. I would wear hoodies and jeans every day in the fall, and bundle up to go to bed. This past week, I pulled out my long-sleeved work shirts again. Has it really been a full school year here? It's a strange sensation, because in the USA, summer marks the end of the school year. Here, the best weather happened from February to April.

Nevertheless, we are heading into our last two weeks. We've been having fun, both in school:


And in town (We always celebrate when the grocery store here has something new, and we were delighted this time to find Koala bear cookies!):


Last weekend, Jacki and I took a trip to La Union. It was pretty awesome to be in a new place. We left school at 11am and took a bus. We were in La Union by that afternoon. All the La Union photos are compliments of Jacki.




We had a really fun time seeing the Vida Abundante school and finding a place where we could buy baleadas for 5 lemps (about 25 cents).



One of the highlights of our trip was when we were serenaded by a mariachi band! It was pretty awesome.


I also rode on a motorcycle for the first time. And I tried on one of Jake's shirts, which was one of the biggest shirts I've ever seen!

Jacki and I had a small moment of panic on Sunday morning, because the ONLY bus to Gracias from La Union left at 5am, and we slept right through both of our alarms. We knew Jake was annoyed, and we were annoyed too! And worried that we wouldn't get back in time, or that we might have to take a chicken bus to San Pedro Sula and then back to Gracias. But we are really lucky, because we are good friends with our neighbors and co-workers here, and we asked two of our friends to come get us, and they came! We rode all the way home from La Union in the back of our friend's truck, and it was so much fun.

Here I am with Juan Carlos:


Trying to teach him something!


We had a great time in La Union. And now, there are only two weeks left. I am trying to give my students as much love as I can, and enjoy my time in spite of the rain and the bugs. My students have become very, very affectionate with me because they know I'm leaving soon, and they've also become really rowdy because they're ready for school to be over. I love them so much. I am still ready to come home, though. Only 2 weeks left.

Ear bugs

So, the last time I blogged, I mentioned the ear bugs. They are tiny little bugs with four wings each, and they came to Gracias when I was in town last week. When I left town to come up to Villa Verde, however, they weren't here, so I figured they didn't come this high up the mountain. Well, I was wrong... they arrived tonight. Jacki, Julia and I were just finishing dinner in the kitchen when we noticed that outside there were thousands, literally thousands, of small black bugs in the air. Then they started to come into the kitchen, through every crack in the wall and hole in the window.

They are small bugs (maybe 1 cm long long) and they each have four wings. They fly around and then shed their wings, which land everywhere, and then the body of the bug just starts going on the land. They're pretty horrible, because their wings get all over everything (in food, in dishes, in our hair, on our clothes, in our drinks) and then the creepy crawly things are everywhere too.

The worst part about them, though, is that they nest in people's ears. They crawl deep into people's ears, trying to burrow as far in as they can. Julia's students told her that if they get in there, people hear an unbearable buzzing sound in their ear, and they have to go immediately to the hospital. So, we have been walking around our houses with toilet paper stuffed in our ears so that the creepy bugs don't get in. Agh. And in the meantime, we have to keep cleaning up everything, rewashing our dishes, and shaking out our clothes and hair to make sure we don't have wings or bugs in them. Get me home.

Bugs and weekend exploring

Well, the week is just about over! I ended up sorting things out with the computer class, I told the principal that I would just use the class as a study hall from now on because I have completed enough projects with the students to be able to give them 4th quarter grades.

A quick note on the bugs in Honduras- they're pretty fascinating. I don't think I'll ever really be squeamish again. This past week, I killed two or three huge scorpions outside of my house. Furthermore, the cicadas all seem to have died because I don't hear their singing anymore, but they have been replaced by bugs that apparently nest in people's ears. They are these bugs that fall from the sky and have wings (but they can shed their wings), and they try to nest in people's ears. ew ew ew ew ew. I was kind of laughing today because my entire back and butt are covered with bug bites that I must be getting in bed, somehow. I have no idea.

Anyway, tomorrow, Jacki and I are going to La Union! We are planning on hiking around a coffee farm and hopefully we will have a chance to see the Vida Abundante school there as well. It should be a fun weekend, I'm really looking forward to getting away. I'll post pictures next week.

Computer class

I teach ninth grade computer class, in addition to second grade. I have been blogging for almost a year now about the school and my students, and I think I've mentioned ninth grade computers once. Maybe twice. That's because, beyond telling me that I'm teaching ninth grade computers and giving me two hours a week to teach it, the school administrators have basically done nothing to help me and have given me nothing to work with. The main problem is that we have no computers at our school. Well, at first we had no computers. For the first half of the year, the principals told me that I could use the class as a study hall, because I clearly couldn't teach it without computers and without a curriculum.

Then, one of the two school principals had a "curriculum" sent in from Tegucigalpa. This curriculum was about 75 pages, in Spanish, of computer lingo. He told me that the Tegucigalpa administrators wanted the students to have grades on their report cards for computer class, and that I should just do what I could with the material. After looking at it, I decided that I would try to see if I could take the random computer parts that were in boxes in the library to try to make some functioning computers. I was able to find enough parts to piece together two computers. Now, I know nothing about computers, but I knew that the computers I had to work with were really, really bad. They basically are able to turn on and run Microsoft Word and Powerpoint. But it was better than teaching the students computer jargon in Spanish.

So, I have been teaching computers by putting three students to a computer and making the groups rotate to finish projects. Today, I went into the library, where the computers are, only to find that the school administrators had taken them all apart to find a part they needed for their own office computer.

This led me to I go into the office and tell the principal that I was beyond frustrated. They pressured me to teach this class but gave me nothing to help me do it. They clearly don't care if the students learn anything about computers, they only care if there's a grade on the report cards so that the parents don't ask about it.

I have many frustrations about my job. I know that leaving the children at the end of the year will be one of the hardest things I've ever faced, but I also know that, in terms of the actual school, I won't be sad to leave it behind. The example of how the administration treated my computer class this year (with complete disregard in terms of the class, and yet concern about the image presented to the parents) is one example that speaks to a much larger picture of the some of the problems in the school. Until the administrators (whether in Gracias or Tegucigalpa) get their priorities straight, they will not have any luck in either retaining American teachers or truly achieving the higher level of education that they desire.

Less than a month left

There are four weeks left of school, and I can see a change in my students. They are so animated all the time, very easily excited, and always wanting to play. It's a little more difficult to control them and hold their attention- they are ready for the summer! August 24-June 11 is a very long school year. It's hard for the teachers, too. I think the natural cycle of teaching is that by the end of the year, teachers are ready for the summer. However, I spend a great deal of time trying so hard to not wish the end of the school year away. Unlike most teachers, this is it for me. I will not be back in the fall, so although I am ready for the summer, I am also ultra-aware of the fact that this will be my last time with these children. I don't want to get too caught up in the excitement of going home.

The school year, for me, has been very successful. I remember how overwhelmed I was when I first arrived here in Honduras. The children could barely speak English, I didn't know how to control them, and the school offered little to no instruction on how to manage a classroom. But everything improved so much! The students and I became used to each other. I learned what to reasonably expect from seven-year-olds (although that's definitely something I'm still learning). I learned what's important to them and how to relate to them. My class is so advanced, too. They learn things so quickly. We are going to finish all of our curriculum early, and almost all of my students have good grades. This year has been incredible, and I am such a proud teacher.

As the end of the year approaches, I can't help but reflect back on my time here. There are some things I just really miss. I miss the fall. It was such a lovely time of the year. It was too cold for the bugs to be out, and everything was misty all the time. I loved when I first moved up to Villa Verde and pretty much lived with the four girls in the other house. It was really nice. They didn't have their front door then, and I felt like I was outside, even when I was technically in their house. Everything felt so fresh and new and touched by God. Everything felt spiritual to me, and I was so content with everyone and everything. I didn't want to be anywhere except where I was. It was a golden time, because things never stay like that. Novelty wears off and reality sets in, and things change. Our perceptions change.

Now everything is dry and hot. I feel gross because of all the starchy food I eat. I'm tired of washing my clothes on a pila and having to sleep with a tennis shoe in my bed so that I can kill the bugs that wake me up. I am sick of watching the neighbors yell at and hit their children. The girls up the mountain have a dog that bites and a big front door and I feel like I rarely see most of them anymore. A male American teacher moved up the mountain after Christmas, and that really did change things in many ways. It changed the dynamics on the mountain. The men here also caused some of the girls to change their behavior, and that changed our friendships. We also started to get internet at our house. For many reasons, things are just different now. Not necessarily in a bad way- but it is incredible how things can change. It doesn't feel like ten months have passed in Honduras. I can't help but think that I won't even realize everything I've been through until I'm out of this situation and can just look back on reflect on it. I feel like I've experienced and seen so much that life will just never be the same- it will be like BH and AH- before Honduras and after Honduras. There's more to say on this, but I'll save it for another day.

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all of the mothers in the world! I was sad because I wasn't able to be with my mom today. I have done a lot of thinking about moms over the past year. I have met an awful lot of moms during my time in Honduras. I have met some moms who care so deeply about their children, and some who do not seem to care as much. I have talked to moms who are overly concerned, and I have talked to moms who simply don't seem concerned at all. I have met with moms who are already worried that their seven-year-olds might not make it to university if they mess up second grade. I have encountered a lot of moms.

During this year, I thought a lot about how lucky I was to be born into my family. My parents are simply amazing; they give me absolutely everything they can. They love me unconditionally. They make me feel of worth. When I was in school, they always supported me and did everything they could to help me. It's at times like these when English fails me; I have no words that can truly convey the emotion I feel towards my parents. I am really blessed. To my mom- Happy Mother's Day, mom. I'll take you out for dinner when I get home. :)

In my class this week, we made Mother's Day cards. I have included just a couple of excerpts from some of my students' cards. Many of the cards were almost the same, some were a little different. I have just included a few that stood out to me, for whatever reason.

Happy Mother's day!!!!

***

Dear Mom,

Thank you for being my mom. Thank you for giving me the food. Thank you for buying me the things. I love you. You are the best mom in the world.

Love, Shirley
***

Dear Mother,

I love you. Do you love me? Please love me forever, because you are my mother and you will be my mother for the rest of my life.

Love, Carlos
***

Dear Mom,

I love you. You are my favorite person in the world, for dad went to the United States and you stay here to take care of us. Happy Mother's Day.

Love, Sofia
***

Dear Mom,

I love you. I love to be your daughter. You are the best mother in the world.

Love, Alejandra
***

Dear Mom,

I love you. I like to be your son. Thank you for the playstation.

Love, German
***

TGIF

Well... this past week was one of the worst weeks I've had in Honduras. The only time that was worse than this week was at the very beginning, when I was so overwhelmed because I moved to Honduras, signed my contract, and started teaching second grade to non-English speakers all in one week.

This week was bad for many reasons, none of which I'm actually planning on writing on this blog. I would be more than happy to tell anyone who wants to ask me about my crazy witch neighbor who is constantly starting drama, or about the frustrating way the school administrators choose to conduct themselves, or about the fact that our oven ran out of gas this week, or about the cicada that flew into my room and is still in here somewhere, or about a few other things that happened this week that made me want to pull my hair out in frustration. But I'm going to skip the details here. :)

So all sorts of stupid things happened, but now it's the weekend. I love weekends. They give me an opportunity to stop and breathe, and enjoy the mornings, and sit and look at the mountains all day. My weekends are always the same- I wash my clothes... and that's about it. Haha. But I love it. I need it. I sit in the hammock and read, or write, or just listen to the noises. It's peaceful.

We're getting to the home stretch now...less than 5 weeks left. Bad weeks are okay. They make the good weeks feel even better.

How you say in English, 'lista?'

All the other teachers often point something out about the students in my class: that when they speak, they constantly interrupt themselves by saying, "How you say in English..." and then they speak in Spanish. Sometimes, they even start their sentence by saying "how you say in English..." and then they actually speak in English, which is even more hilarious. For example, today one of my students asked me, "How you say in English, 'uncle?'" Whenever this happens, I just look at them for a second until they figure it out, or laugh and tell them, 'good job, that IS English!' It's cute.

Anyway, lista means ready, and that's what I am. I'm ready. I love so many things about Honduras. My experience here has been absolutely invaluable to me. When I came to this country, I was broken in more ways than one. I went through an incredible healing process here, and in the meantime I taught a grade, learned Spanish, met amazing people, grew spiritually...the list goes on. Honduras is so important to me. But as my time here begins to dwindle, I find myself getting more and more excited about what's next.

I am anxious to be home and enjoy America again. Going to the US a couple weeks ago was a bit of a shock for me. In the hotel, I kept thinking that bugs were on me, but in the USA...it's never bugs. It's always hair or a string or something, but not spiders or beetles. Everything was just efficient, and shiny, and...like home. The USA is where I grew up, and it's where my family is. It's not that the culture is better, but it's where I feel at home.

I have decided on a law school and so I know what I'm doing in the fall. I have plans to fly all over the USA this summer; I'm going to New York to visit one of my best friends, to Louisiana to visit Alex, to Chicago for a wedding (!) and to visit Jacki... I have a lot to look forward to.

So, I'm excited to go home. That being said, I cannot say enough wonderful things about Honduras. My experience here has been life-changing. I've grown so much. Not to mention I'm in love with 20 little children. When I think about that part of leaving- specifically, leaving them, I feel a little sick. I don't know how I'm going to do it. I absolutely adore every one of them. There are things I tell myself to comfort myself- like how I want to go to law school to be an immigration lawyer so that I can help people in hard situations, like many of my students are. But it doesn't make me feel any better about leaving them. In fact, there's a real element of guilt associated with leaving. Why do I have the freedom to leave? For me, this was just a year-long experience. My life is so me-based that I only think of myself... but for most of the people here, this is their life. It's what they've always known, and they'll never leave. That concept, as simple as it probably sounds, is hard for me to fathom.

But I'm not ready to talk about existentialism or embark upon self reflection and introspection quite yet. For now, I'm just focusing on the last five weeks of my school year in Honduras and trying to make the most of that time.

Alex and the USA

The last few weeks have been completely crazy! A lot has happened, but I'll keep this as brief as I can. April was just a very busy month. I only spent one full weekend in Villa Verde, I spent all the others traveling around. After my dad left, I had two weeks of just working regularly. During that time, I made some cool plans. I have been waitlisted at two excellent law schools, and many people told me that one of the best ways to get off of a waitlist is to actually visit the schools. So, I requested to have three days off of work to fly to the United States to visit one of those schools. My principal was extremely understanding and gave me the three days off. I decided to plan my trip for April 21, 22, and 23- which coincidentally allowed me to leave Honduras with my best friend, who came to visit me!

Yes, two weeks after my dad left, my best friend, Alex, flew down to Honduras to see me. If you're reading this blog, you probably know Alex (since I'm pretty sure the only people who look at this are old college friends, my family, or Alex's boyfriend- shout out to Justin!). Alex wasn't here for that long. She flew in on Saturday and stayed until Wednesday... way too short of a trip for my liking. But it was so amazing of her to take the time off work to come visit me. Alex and I have traveled together before- she was the co-author of our EuroFest 2009 blog (check it out, it's pretty awesome), when we bummed our way through Spain and Italy together last year.

Us in Spain:



And us in Honduras:




After our amazing and long-awaited reunion in the San Pedro airport, we headed straight off to Copan. That was my fourth time visiting Copan, but I really feel like it's a must-see for people who are visiting. I mean, I still haven't gotten sick of seeing the ruins, either. It's a really fun little town. Anyway, we only spent one night there, and then headed back to Gracias.

Alex endured the full experience of traveling in Honduras. For me, most of it felt somewhat typical- for her I'm sure it felt crazy! On our trip back to Gracias, we had to ride three different buses, all of which were absolutely packed. We counted that on our second bus (which was really more like a van), there was room for maybe 12 people, if you put three in front... but they shoved 23 people in there. On the third bus, we were harassed by some drunken men (typical) and then experienced some anti-American hatred (not typical). Actually, the anti-America incident threw me for a loop because it just didn't fit with any of my experiences here. But anyway, as this guy was getting off the bus he turned to us and cursed at us (in English) and said something to the effect of wanting us out of his country. I'm not going to write verbatim what he said... you can imagine. But in any case, it wasn't the most pleasant interaction.

But in the end, we made it safe and sound to Gracias and were able to spend a full day in Villa Verde because we didn't have school on Monday! We hiked up Celaque and went to town and hung out with some neighbors. On Tuesday, Alex came to school with me and it was so great having her there! My students loved her, of course, and she was able to help with a couple of my classes. It's nice when friends and family come down because I can actually show them what I do here. I really am a teacher... it's cool. Alex has a great camera, and she took some really nice shots of my students, and some with me too. :)







And then finally we headed out on Wednesday. I was so happy that I was able to leave the country with my best friend. I had a minor hiccup at the airport, when I found out that the school had let our visas expire. I had to find the immigration office and explain to them what happened and then figure out what I needed to do... talk about a test for my Spanish skills! But it all worked out in the end and I made it safely to the USA.

Alex and I had an amazing dinner at a Thai restaurant in the Miami airport before going our separate ways. It really was so incredible having her here. She was the only non-family person to come visit (although while she was here, she was my 'prima') and it meant the world to me that she came down. I also really love it when I can bring people like Alex into my experience; she is definitely someone that helps me put things into perspective and points important things out to me...and as I'm nearing the end of this particular experience and it's almost time for me to get nostalgic and introspective, it was very good timing to have her here.

It felt strange to be in the USA without going home. I was again struck by how awesome America is. America is really clean. There is hot water in all the bathrooms. I kept forgetting that I could flush the paper. There was a vending machine in the airport that sold iPods. And everyone looks different. Seriously, the diversity in America is something that we should be extremely proud of. Everyone looks different, everyone comes from different places; it's awesome. America is pretty cool.

Here's the iPod vending machine:




My law school visit was great too. I will say that I felt more culture shock coming home this time than I did over Christmas. I think being on a college campus kind of threw me for a loop; it was strange being around all those privileged young white people, most of whom probably don't know how lucky they are. But this is getting very long so I'll save those ponderings for another day.

The visit was great, I loved the school, and I hope it might have helped my chances of getting off the wait list. My dad also flew to the school to keep me company for the couple of days that I was in town, and that meant the world to me. Having someone there that I knew made the whole thing feel a lot less...daunting.

It was a very fast trip back to the USA! Now I'm back in Honduras, with seven weeks left in my experience here. Only seven weeks... that's surreal. I wasn't so excited about coming back. The trip was really short and I just wanted to stay with my dad and go home. Once in my house, I found this guy under my bed (I had to pick him up by the wings and throw him outside because I was too scared to crunch him):



And when I turned on the water in my bathroom, it looked like this:



I find myself in a situation where I recognize that seven weeks is next to nothing- it's almost over. I want to enjoy every second of that time, and mentally prepare myself to say goodbye to my students and close the door on this experience. It's difficult to balance that with my excitement about actually being home, being with my family, going to law school and getting started on my life post-Honduras. Honduras has changed me for the better, that's for sure. But again... I'll save that for another day.

Only seven weeks left of my year in Honduras... crazy.

Semana Santa

Wow, sorry about the lack of posts. I really tend to lose track of time here. I wrote this on Easter but am only posting it now...

Well, my dad’s visit (and Semana Santa) is over. Easter week is definitely celebrated differently in Honduras than in the USA! It seemed like most people observed Good Friday as the holy day, and today things are back to business as usual. Coincidentally, my dad and I were in Gracias on Thursday and Friday when there was absolutely nothing open. The streets were empty and all of the stores were closed. But today, everything is hopping again. But I’ve gotten ahead of myself. This entry is about the adventures I had with my dad! So here we go…

He arrived in Honduras last Saturday night, and we headed to Lago de Yajoa on Sunday morning. Yajoa is the only lake in Honduras, and it is spectacularly beautiful. I had never been there before. I wasn’t exactly sure which bus to take to get there, so we had a bit of an adventure. We actually overshot our hotel by about half an hour, so when we finally got off the bus, we were in the middle of nowhere…although next to the huge lake! We stopped for some lunch at a restaurant on the lake. Here was our lunch:



I’m not sure if that looks good to you or not, but it actually tasted delicious. After we ate, we jumped on another bus and finally found our hotel… we stayed at the only brewery in Honduras, called D&D.



It was really small and modest, but it was great! The beer was absolutely delicious, and it was so nice to have a break from the normal local beers (don’t get me wrong- Barena and Port Royal are good, but it’s always refreshing to switch things up). So we hung out at D&D, drank some good beer and hung out with the eclectic owner, Bob. It was also great because Jacki and Chad were there at the same time, so dad had the chance to meet some of my friends we all had a grand old time. We went fishing on the incredibly beautiful lake, explored the town and dad bought a Honduras shirt. It was great.

Our next stop was Copan. This was my third time at Copan, but that’s fine…I really love it there every time I go. It’s nice, there’s good food there, and any visitor to Honduras must see the ruins! So it was really fun.

My dad put a little twist on the normal Copan tourism pictures… as a die-hard Evertonian, he didn’t want to pass up the opportunity to talk to some visitors about how much he hates Liverpool and take a “Red Shite” photo in front of the ruins.



Then we headed back to Gracias. As I said before, everything was totally silent so we just came up to Villa Verde, and dad was finally able to see my backyard!



We also had the chance to hang out and play football with a couple of my students in the park.

It was a relaxing time, we visited the river and took a little hike in Celaque and cooked with the minimal food that we had. Then yesterday we headed back to San Pedro.

It was awesome having my dad here. He pointed things out to me that I just don’t really notice anymore- like the guys with machine guns that guard the banks, grocery stores, and some pulperias. He loved the buses, especially the people trying to sell us stuff and the organized chaos of the schedules. The trip boosted my confidence a lot. My dad can’t speak Spanish at all, so I was responsible for planning and getting us everywhere, and it was a really good experience for me. I feel confident in my Spanish now. It took a while, but I finally feel good about it. Organizing big trips like that and calling just about all of the shots is also confidence-building- it made me feel like a competent traveler. I guess I hope I could consider myself a competent traveler by now! After several months in Europe and a year in Central America, I better have some wits about me.

Unfortunately, during the week I developed a bad cold, and now I’m here, back at home, being bummed about dad leaving and bummed about my head, which feels like a brick. I have one more big thing to look forward to, and that’s that my best friend, Alex, is coming in two weeks! And that is a really, really big thing for me to look forward to. Alex is my other half and knowing that she’s coming is definitely comforting to me.

It’s funny how much I stressed about leaving, because right now I feel anxious to go home. I am always careful not to wish experiences away. I usually go the other way- I get really, really nostalgic. But I’m kind of hoping to walk the line for this experience. I want to enjoy my last few months, and then when things are over, allow myself to be excited about what’s next.

Because what’s next is going to be amazing also.

This blog entry is like a novel. Thanks to those who got through it!

Open my eyes, I see sky!

Any Joshua Radin fans out there? I love listening to him up here on the mountains, especially in the mornings when I'm walking to school. His music would definitely be in my life-movie soundtrack.

Sorry for the lack up updates. I forget to blog sometimes because of the routine I find myself in now. It's not a bad thing, at all, because of the beauty of my routine. I love my job, I love my students, I love the mountains. I also know that my decision to come home in June only makes those feelings more palpable. I am aware that my time here is limited, and that knowledge drives me to try to constantly feel grateful for what I have left. Even the things I don't like aren't too bad. It's all just part of it.

Tomorrow's Friday, and next week is Semana Santa. My dad's coming! We should have a blast exploring Honduras. We are going to Lago Yajoa, the only lake in Honduras. Then we're going to swing by the ruins and then spend a few days here in Villa Verde. It will be awesome. I'm excited to break the routine a little and have some time off of school.

At the same time, though, I'm very aware that Semana Santa is the last big break before the end of the year. Really? The end of the year? I can barely believe it. I realized that since Christmas, I have felt extremely connected to my students. I take real joy in their accomplishments. There's one little boy in my class that I am so, so proud of. He's the one in the middle:

At the beginning of the year, he couldn't count. He wrote random numbers on his math tests, his average was a 22%. These last couple of months, though, he has been working so hard. He has learned how to add and subtract and multiply. And on his last test, he earned a 91%. I don't think I've ever been so excited to hand a test back. And he literally threw his arms around me and jumped up and down when he saw it. It's moments like that, and watching students like him, that make me never want to leave. Those moments reinforce to me that I am doing something important this year. Not that the students' accomplishments have anything to do with me, they really don't. But I feel like I'm a vehicle to help them realize their own potential, and that is something that I'm so happy to be able to do.

I'm so blessed. I don't even know how to count my blessings... they are just too abundant.

Heat and bugs

Well, summer in Honduras is here! I probably don't talk about the weather enough on this blog. The weather in Honduras is amazing, especially up on our mountain. The air is clear and fresh, up until last week I was always comfortable wearing a t-shirt and long pants or shorts, and I have really had zero things to complain about. Well, starting last week, everything just felt...warmer. I started to feel hot under my blanket at night, and I started to notice that my classroom, by the afternoon, felt somewhat like an oven.

The heat is hard to deal with. But dealing with the bugs is the real challenge. I have seen some of the craziest bugs in Honduras, and they are only getting worse. I wake up with bites up and down my legs, back, and stomach. We killed a scorpion in our kitchen the other day, and there's a nasty black bug that keeps showing up that apparently blinds people. I have included some photos that my friends (specifically, Sarah) have taken of a couple of the bugs here... they are big.

Party in the USA

Sorry for the Miley Cyrus reference, I couldn't resist. It's official... I am coming home in July!! I have been struggling and struggling with my decision for the past month or so, but after talking to my mom, my best friend, and people here, I am certain that my next step is to come home. As much as it will break my heart to leave my students and the mountains, I really want to make every year of my 20s a new adventure. I am ready for the next thing. I have some great options for law school (I haven't picked one yet) and I could end up in a lot of cool places. Most of the law programs I'm looking at have summer abroad opportunities also, so my traveling is nowhere near over.

Being in Honduras has made me really excited to practice law. I am hoping to study either international or immigration law, both of which would allow me to help people like my neighbors, friends, and students in Honduras. I want to use my Spanish and never stop traveling and never stop exploring new adventures. I mean, come on... I have the whole world in front of me!

So, I feel great about my decision. I'm excited to come home and drink Starbucks. But I'm more excited to come home and apply everything I've learned this year to my life in the States. I am just a different person now than I was seven months ago. I have changed in a way that I didn't know I could.

Today is Saturday, which means I'll spend the day lounging around in my hammock and looking at the mountain in my backyard. My life gives new meaning to the word blessed. And I think the best is yet to come!

Meetings

Well, things have been going pretty smoothly at Vida Abundante. The last three months have absolutely flown by; I cannot believe that it's the middle of March already. It's kind of alarming...where did the time go? But everything is so good. I feel confident with my classes, my students are well-behaved and seem happy, and I am comfortable in my little house on the mountain.

The biggest challenge I feel like I'm facing these days is exhaustion. Not just my own exhaustion, but that of my students as well. We haven't had a day off since we returned from Christmas break on January 4th. That's a long time. They also have very long days for an elementary school- we go from 7:40-3:00. I stay and tutor a student every day after school too, so I'm actually there until 4pm. Those are long days and long weeks. Furthermore, the students are all sick! I had 12 students in my class on Monday, and we're a class of 19. That's a lot.

So, I wrote to the administrators in Tegucigalpa, and asked them if we could have a day off. I have always had a gift for diplomacy, even for silly things. In high school, I was always the one asking teachers for an extra day to study for a test. Now, I feel that I'm often the teacher asking for stuff... who knows what they think of me over in Tegucigalpa! Anyway, they shot me right down about the day off. They told me that, and this is a direct quote,

"In our country, most jobs require employees to work Saturdays, education being an exception to allow teachers to rest. [...] We are just two weeks away from spring break, we are certain that if this time is managed appropriately everyone will have plenty of time to rest." Hmm. I knew I wasn't going to get anywhere via email, so I requested a meeting.

The meeting wasn't just for a day off. I have a lot of things that I think Vida Abundante could help work towards. So, I met with these two administrators when they came to our school. First, I explained why I had requested a day off. They were receptive; they said that although they couldn't just put a free day into the calendar, they would give us a week without tutoring and then they decided to have an early dismissal for the students on Friday. Hey... I'll take what I can get!

But more importantly, I talked to them about two proposals I have for our school. In my last blog I talked about the gender roles here in Honduras. I proposed that the administrators initiate some sort of sex education program for the junior high and high school students in Vida Abundante. This school offers an amazing opportunity for students. Learning English opens all sorts of doors for them. However, knowing English won't do much if they have to support children while they're teenagers. I suggested a program making students aware of the ramifications involved in the decision to have sex, and how to protect themselves if they do decide to have sex. By doing this, we would be empowering both our male and female students. I am really happy to say that the administrators were extremely open to that idea and seemed interested in trying to start some sort of sex education program in the schools.

I also talked to them about starting some sort of dialogue with parents about proper discipline methods. Spanking might be culturally acceptable, but that doesn't mean that we can't strive to change that. I'm not talking about the legal issues of spanking (like they thought I was), I'm talking about it as a moral issue. An adult shouldn't be striking a child. That's just the bottom line. The administrators said that they are going to look into seeing what they can do to start some sort of dialogue with parents about how the school would like to see children being disciplined at home-- i.e. without violence.

Anyway, it was a good meeting. I feel happy that they were so receptive to what I had to say, and I'm optimistic that something might actually come out of it. In the meantime, I'm still working on this decision that I have to make by Friday. I'm starting to feel some peace with what I'm going to do... I'll write about it after I have the meeting with my principal on Friday. Until then... if you read all of that... thank you. and que le vaya bien!

Women and Honduras

The norm for women in Honduras makes me really sad. The majority of women here seem have a very specific goal in life, and that goal is to be a mother. I am going to include two disclaimers here. The first- I'm not pretending to know how all of the women in Honduras feel. But based on talking to my neighbors (and the strange looks I always accrue when I try to share my liberal, feminist ideas with them), and the high school students at our school, it really does seem that most of the women here just take it for granted that they need find a husband and make babies....and sooner, rather than later. For this reason, there are an incredible amount of teenage mothers here. One of the 22-year-old Honduran teachers at my school has a five-year-old son and another on the way. She’s married to a 35-year-old man.

My second disclaimer is that, of course, there is nothing wrong with being a mother. Being a mother is a wonderful and important thing. The part that makes me sad is the lack of choice. Women here have to fight so hard if they want to do something different. They are met with huge societal obstacles when they dream about something else. This reality upsets me the most when I think about the girls in my class growing up with that mindset. They will have to fight so much harder to not only fulfill other dreams, but to even have other dreams to fulfill. I want my students, both the girls and the boys, to know that their dreams have no limits! They can do whatever they want to do! Especially the girls. Some of the girls in my class are just such bright children, it breaks my heart to think that they might ever doubt their potential to soar.

I don’t want my students to ever, ever grow up and think they can’t do something. I try to tell them every day how smart they are. I try to tell them every day that they can do anything they want to do when they grow up. It's not much at all, but what else can I do? I have always been someone who strives to effect change. I like to try and change things, even on a very tiny scale. But here I am faced with a situation that I really can't change. For now, all I can do is be a strong role model and show these girls that they don't have to be teenage moms, if they don't want to be. It's hard to not get down on myself for not doing more...but I don't know what else to do.

Good Christians

My neighbors, who are missionaries from the Philippines and also teachers at my school, play Christian music really, really loudly every day. It's playing right now. I don't have real windows in my house (they're more like holes in the wall), so I also get the pleasure of listening to their music in the afternoons. As a side note, I also get the pleasure of hearing the revving of their motorcycle every single morning and the barking of their crazy dog at all hours of the day and night. Anyway though, today, I was horrified (but unfortunately not surprised) to realize that their music was covering up another sound- the sound of parents yelling and a child screaming.

I have wanted to blog about this for a while, but I haven't. It's a very sensitive subject, and I don't want to take this topic out of cultural context. In Honduras, parents spank their children. It's a cultural norm. Please don't get me wrong. I hate spanking, and the fact that it's a cultural norm doesn't make it okay. It's tragic. But it is the reality of life here.

There are varying degrees of spanking. In the United States, whipping a child with a belt is unheard of. It's child abuse. Here, it's common. This has been the thing I have struggled with the most this year. I have students who get severely hit if they earn a bad grade on a test. I have others who are severely hit when they get sent to the office for discipline reasons. I have spoken to the principal about it, but while he is understanding of my concerns and always voices the intention to help, he never actually steps in and does anything. So I am left in the position of trying to do everything in my power to not cause my students to be beaten by their parents.

My Filipino neighbors beat their four-year-old son. I have heard them yelling, him crying, and the sound of beating. It has gone on for varying lengths, anywhere from five to fifteen minutes. If I were in the states, I would call the police. Here, I'm left lingering outside their house, pretending to be on the phone and speaking really loudly, in the hopes that they might see me and stop. I tried to stop them once. I actually walked out of my house and stood in front of theirs, only to find myself paralyzed and unable to yell their names. What would I say if they came out? What if they punished their son even more severely? I have never felt so helpless in my life.

I have talked to the principal about it, but nothing has happened. It's unbelievably difficult for me. I don't know how to listen to a child be beaten without stopping it, but I also don't know how to approach my neighbors and colleagues about the fact that I think they're abusing their child. They won't listen to me, and they'll probably take it out on their son.

A couple of minutes ago, the Christian music stopped, and so did the sounds coming out of that little blue house. I'm left with a heavy heart and the smell of hypocrisy lingers in the air.

Bug bites and sunburn

I have bed bugs. I never knew that bed bugs actually exist, but I'm certain now that they do. This week, I woke up with a little series of bites on my left thigh. They were little bumps, almost like a rash. And they itch like crazy! They were also scattered all over my back. Today I woke up with another set of them, on my ribcage. Throughout the week, I've acquired several other bites as well. As a result of the warm weather, the bugs are just out. They aren't deterred by clothing, either. I have gotten bites on my butt when I have long pants on. Very annoying. I'm trying not to scratch too much... I don't want scars! I have no idea what the bugs are, which is frustrating too. There are all sorts, including some nasty black ones that leave pin-sized drops of blood that you have to pop. It's great.

Last week, I went to the river and wore my bathing suit under my clothes. I was there for maybe an hour, and walked away with the worst sunburn of my life. Seriously. That night I rolled over onto my stomach in my sleep, and woke up gasping in pain. And I have a pretty high pain tolerance! Anyway, now it's peeling and it looks like I have a disease. But I will say, I'll take my sunburn over the snowstorms that are currently attacking the midwest! Sorry, family.

My future

Wow...it has been over a week since I last posted. That's hard to believe. This past week went very quickly for me, probably because I have a big deadline approaching and I am starting to develop some serious anxiety about my future.

The principals have been asking the American teachers if we are planning on returning next year. Most of the girls said no. One said yes and two said maybe. I'm one of the two maybes. I talked to my principal on Monday and explained to him my situation... basically that I have applied for law schools but am not sure if I want to go to law school. I need more time to find out where I have been accepted and if I want to attend. He told me I could let him know by the middle of March.

So, I'm feeling the pressure. I love the idea of coming back to Honduras. I think my second year of teaching would be better than this year... I love thinking about how I could improve things my second time around. I think it would be so great to watch my students go on to third grade and stay with the school for another year. This time I would know what's up! I could continue to work on my Spanish. I would keep living my life in paradise, with the mountains, the lack of television, lack of traffic, lack of...excess stuff in my life. I also love thinking that I could really have an impact on a community. Two years is a pretty significant chunk of time.

But I'm still waiting to hear back from law schools. I have applied to some really cool schools...if I get into any of them, they will provide great opportunities for me. I also miss the United States. I get so frustrated by things like not being able to see my family and friends regularly. They can't even call me here. I miss things like clean floors, beds without bugs, showers with water pressure, restaurants with variety, toilets that flush paper. I love school and would certainly enjoy being back on a college campus. I don't know how I'm supposed to make a decision like this, especially when I haven't heard from a bunch of schools yet!

The piece of this that breaks my heart is my students. I just can't bear to think about leaving them in three months. They are aware that most of the teachers are only there for a year, and they always ask me if I'm going back to the United States soon. One of my little boys just wrapped his arms around me this week and said, "Please stay here, Miss Mac." Try walking away from kids like that. It's really, really hard.

My mom told me not to panic yet. She said that I should wait a week before panicking. So I'm going to try to take her advice and just think and reflect on this as much as possible until I feel some peace one way or another. I wish I could stop time for a bit... it always seems to go so fast.

For he's a rocker

Today, Mathew helped me in our reading class. Reading class is a good way for visitors to bond with my kids, because it's really easy to manage and it allows for a lot of interaction and discussion. Anyway, I split the class into two groups and we each took a group. (I found the "Mathew here" chants coming from both sides of the room amusing, rather than disheartening.) So we each took a reading group and then switched halfway through. After we switched, the first group that Mathew had worked with just couldn't stop imitating him. They imitated his American, hippy drawl and the way he moves his hands when he speaks. They thought he was just hilarious.

After the lunch bell rang, one of my littlest students was waiting for me. This particular little boy is awesome...once he brought me Dunkin Donuts from San Pedro Sula (unless you live in Honduras you just can't understand what a treat that was) and I think he bears a striking resemblance to Richard Alpert on LOST. Check it out:

Anyway, he was waiting for me and said with a very cute smile, "Miss Mac... Mr. Mathew should be in Hollywood." I was so taken back by this comment that all I could say in response was, "Why do you say that?" He answered, "For he's a rocker!" And laughed and ran off. It was absolutely so adorable, just one of those moment I wish I'd had on camera. As a side note, it's an interesting language thing...the children always say "for" instead of "because." It makes for some pretty funny sentences.

Anyway, every time I see Mathew in the school he is just being bombarded by tiny children. It's awesome having him here.