My future

Wow...it has been over a week since I last posted. That's hard to believe. This past week went very quickly for me, probably because I have a big deadline approaching and I am starting to develop some serious anxiety about my future.

The principals have been asking the American teachers if we are planning on returning next year. Most of the girls said no. One said yes and two said maybe. I'm one of the two maybes. I talked to my principal on Monday and explained to him my situation... basically that I have applied for law schools but am not sure if I want to go to law school. I need more time to find out where I have been accepted and if I want to attend. He told me I could let him know by the middle of March.

So, I'm feeling the pressure. I love the idea of coming back to Honduras. I think my second year of teaching would be better than this year... I love thinking about how I could improve things my second time around. I think it would be so great to watch my students go on to third grade and stay with the school for another year. This time I would know what's up! I could continue to work on my Spanish. I would keep living my life in paradise, with the mountains, the lack of television, lack of traffic, lack of...excess stuff in my life. I also love thinking that I could really have an impact on a community. Two years is a pretty significant chunk of time.

But I'm still waiting to hear back from law schools. I have applied to some really cool schools...if I get into any of them, they will provide great opportunities for me. I also miss the United States. I get so frustrated by things like not being able to see my family and friends regularly. They can't even call me here. I miss things like clean floors, beds without bugs, showers with water pressure, restaurants with variety, toilets that flush paper. I love school and would certainly enjoy being back on a college campus. I don't know how I'm supposed to make a decision like this, especially when I haven't heard from a bunch of schools yet!

The piece of this that breaks my heart is my students. I just can't bear to think about leaving them in three months. They are aware that most of the teachers are only there for a year, and they always ask me if I'm going back to the United States soon. One of my little boys just wrapped his arms around me this week and said, "Please stay here, Miss Mac." Try walking away from kids like that. It's really, really hard.

My mom told me not to panic yet. She said that I should wait a week before panicking. So I'm going to try to take her advice and just think and reflect on this as much as possible until I feel some peace one way or another. I wish I could stop time for a bit... it always seems to go so fast.